My Alchemy

Bugging me plenty

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 17:58:36 GMT

Now I know what's been bugging me. I never have enough time to PRIMP in front of a MIRROR! I wake up in the morning and I attend to S; doing this has made me cultivate the habit of stepping out without having a good look at myself before stepping out the way I used to.

I grew up with a lifesize mirror in my bedroom and another last-minute mirror by the stairway to double-check myself before stepping out. This is how I used to manage dressing up within 10 minutes. It was something my B appreciated about me: he never had to wait.

These days it takes me about an hour to finish my ablutions and 'blade-work', another half-hour to do my make-up because I need to moisturise more than I used to owing to Hong Kong's wind-burning winter to spring weather; and another half-hour to blow my hair dry! I often wondered how was it that I managed to take care of myself back in college and yet not manage today. Well, this is the reason. I don't primp anymore. Truth be told, I don't like what I see. And this entry sounds like I've been watching too much Timm Gunn, Gok and Trinny and Susannah. But these shows tell us women the same thing: when our life statuses change, we inevitably let ourselves go without our knowing. And for those who have been utterly devoted to raising a child and keeping the hearth warm, it seems we've gone cold on ourselves, our bodies, our needs, our joie de vivre.

And then the other imbalances occur: social imbalances such has being too eager to meet friends or relying too much on friends or not wanting at all to meet new people or see old friends; relationship imbalances such as taking every single look, remark or nose-twitch to heart even if it doesn't concern you; emotional imbalances such as craving more attention and yet wanting to be left alone.

This has got to stop. Next week I'm getting what every woman in her 30s should be getting every 3 weeks.

And I will spend more time in front of that mirror--my trusty ally, my true friend, sans the vanity judgment and that 'malignant excessive earthiness' (Come on, the world is gloomy enough as it is, and I for one don't want to add to it by looking shabby, so there!) -- to put on some make-up and fix my hair.

I want to be a girl for a change, because my darling S's spontaneity and cheeriness depends on it! MY spontaneity and cheeriness depends on it!

And then there were the wonderful things my aunts, grandma and grand-aunt did for me: dressmaker visits. I will have to look for a good dressmaker in my district; I'll get the cloth myself. I remember the one-of-a-kind dresses I used to wear and my favourites back in college: while shorts and tees were the usual fare, or the white shirt and jeans were the usual ICTUS fare, and then black and boots did their own little turn with Pearl Jam being our favourite band then, I showed up at times in the occasional dress. There was the salmon Louise Brooks V-neck with a dainty little ribbon; yes, I looked like a WW II nurse, but I remember a feller who liked it very much and married me for it--hahaha, B! Then there was the batik A-line...pseudo-activist without having to dress down 'too much'. And finally, my favourite that sparked a bit of gentle reminder (M, your 'chest' is showing...ad nauseam), was the 'summery' (an ICTUS friend called it) sundress with flowers in squirrel and pheasant brown.

I mentioned elsewhere that the months April to June are my weird, changeling months every year. If you want to know what book gave me the impetus--and you wouldn't believe it--it was _St. Augustine's Search for God_ by Donald X. Burt. I read it on Mardi Gras and on my way home, it seemed the whole idea of relinquishing the perfection of this one life on earth on all possible levels bothered me immensely.

The Full Measure

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:37:59 GMT

There are days when one feels like the least productive member of society for not holding down a full-time job. Then, there are other days when one feels at the height of one's creative powers, at the mercy of no one and completely invincible.

I felt that way every time I saw _Measure for Measure_ each night from the backstage television and, just once, in the audience with my daughter Sofia.

It is far too expensive to create theatre this serious; Hong Kong hardly provides support for local non-Chinese groups, even if they do have a smacking of Asians in the cast.

I have a family to tend to and a household to keep. In the next few weeks, after I've settled all accounts and recorded our losses (yes, financial losses - reality sets in quickly, you know), I shall start looking for a full-time job in Hong Kong to buffer what my beloved B sees as our most challenging year yet.

And then there's the off-chance that I just might pave the way for moving elsewhere, the way I would like...to the city where S may just flourish as a teenager and a ballerina of her choosing.

So why did I pick up my heels to stage _Measure for Measure_ at probably the worst time in financial history? I had to. That is all. There are events and occurrences in my life that I needed to shake off in order to move forward; I felt it best to move forward by way of a play. Most people cry their hearts out, seek God, switch jobs or travel. I have opted to stage a play. Did I bring joy to the people who were in that theatre for 7 evenings? Yes. Did the whole event bring me joy? Yes. I feel that the generosity of spirit that occurred between the actors, the crew and the audience during those seven evenings was enough to tide anyone over any crisis. Some things need to be placed in perspective.

Finally, the most important thing I needed to do was to pay tribute to the people who raised me; sadly, they are no longer alive to see me flourish--I am but a feckless late-bloomer in my own estimation, though my dear grandparents have always described me as 'adelantado,' someone always trying to get ahead of herself.

Perhaps I have done that all throughout my life that it was merely time to look back and remember. I hope I did so, in the best way I possibly could. I've surrendered a great part of myself to the past now. Whatever I do from now on is no longer a means to compensate for past mistakes or past care, but only to solidify my daughter's future.

She is no ordinary creature. That is what my dear B fears. I see in her all the abilities a kind, compassionate and perceptive human being can exhibit. It is no wonder then that she is able to convey her intellect at such an early age through several media--the strongest and most imaginative of which is in dance.

There are a few cities in the world that can nurture this gift. Left alone in one of the Asian cities, she would become all-too complacent and similar to her father who would oftentimes make excuses for himself: 'If I had studied hard enough....if I had made an effort, then I would be..."

But her mother finds this line of reasoning erroneous, if at times arrogant. We do as we do, and become as we ought because we choose to act upon our dreams and wishes. If the choice be a mistake, then so be it, but the attempt in itself is noble--and certainly a chance that my daughter deserves out of this one life.

Everything after August

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 07:34:20 GMT

The Philippine Arts Festival in Hong Kong is scheduled in August 2009, instead of the usual June. That way, we don't run into Le French May or the Italian Month. Fine. Unfortunately, I don't think I would have anything ready for August.

Perhaps late this year instead. After 3 plays I believe I would have a repertory big enough to rotate for a continuous audience in Manila. I just need to fix the production book--close it, more like--record the light design for filing purposes and then get on with my life.

But first: The book tour. I need to venture to different cities again to read poems from my old book.

I am grateful for this experience. Shakespeare never fails to light up my soul. Perhaps I should take up painting; that way, I'd have more excuses to draw everything inward and lose myself in a white room full of space and a blank canvas upon which to draw, write, act and conceive.

I suppose ...

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:57:45 GMT

Sigh...I must be growing old. Three years ago, if someone had told me that I was a boring person then I would have tried to change my interests and inclinations in a heart-beat. Now that I'm nearing 35, honestly, I don't care much if people don't call me anymore because I'm boring. I'm boring. Most people who love what I love and all the obscure stuff that seems to appeal to me tend to be perceived as boring. I'm not going to change a thing. I like being friends with books. So off to school I shall go again...soon.

The Jackson Swansong

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 03:23:48 GMT

Just when some of us have found their beginnings, the great Michael Jackson announces his final series of performances. THIS IS IT! From July 2009, in London's O2 Arena. Details here!.

All the more reason to be in London this year, then!

The Mourning Season

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:58:27 GMT

And so the mourning period begins. My co-actors have been wondering why I�ve been seemingly calm all this time. You see, this is not just another production to me. I treat the creative process in this project with the utmost reverence and humanity because Shakespeare celebrated humanity in his work, even when he wrote about the most devious and diabolical acts that man is capable of afflicting upon his fellow-man, i.e. Iago, Leontes, Macbeth.

This production is my process of honouring my grandparents, survivors of the Second World War and its ravages in Manila; at the same time, it is my way of grieving appropriately for my lost darling, my month old fetus, so unabashedly washed away into the gutter, though I had no desire at all to lose it. All the red overtones, the violence and destruction represent the emptiness and desolation I feel now.

So here I am, fleshing out a play that had almost died out in 19th-century Victorian England, and is slowly being re-introduced into mainstream Shakespeare fare as being one of the Bard�s most difficult plays to watch. It is Frankenstein trying to reawaken the dead, to no avail.

Heaven knows what monster I may revive in me�and what nature shall my work take in the years to come. But for now, I must grieve silently and keep focused.

It bothers me...

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:01:13 GMT

It bothers me how the late NVM Gonzalez, author of arguably the most lyrical novel in Philippine Literature in English prose, was quite content to be recognised as a minor American writer in his hey-day. NVM spent most of his time teaching and working in the United States; yet, he somehow retained his status as an important writer for Filipinos because of his word-pictures of rural life in the Philippines. I wonder where I could squeeze myself in. To be told my my college professor Gemino Abad that my poems were beautiful is a compliment I would rather possess, than to have millions of dollars in my name. I have lived in Hong Kong for the last 7 years and perhaps, shall be living here (or elsewhere, who knows if my heart's desire be fulfilled again?) for the next decade or so. Is there a chance I would make a contribution to the literary canvas of Philippine letters? You see, it bothers me how, with each theatrical project I undertake, I fear I may lose the motivation to publicise my writing. I see the biographies of many new writers, some of whom were students while I was teaching, and I wonder how I had missed all those opportunities to write while I was younger and have my name on print as often as I could, especially in writing for the Philippine Collegian. But that's all gone, almost two decades old. But I didn't know I wanted to be a writer then, much less know that the work was any good. In fact, I didn't quite feel I had reached a level worth witnessing in writing, performance and theatre direction until last year. 2008 was my epiphany year. It had taken me so long to climb out of this shell of uncertainty about one's purpose, but I think and I know I'm on the right track with the productions I have in mind. In the meantime, after Measure for Measure, I shall look for a teaching position and return to the academe. It's time I start looking for a new social circle, because my friends (except my Thursday lunch and my district friends) don't call me often enough--perhaps because I have turned into a pompous bore. So I suppose I'll start looking for other pompous bores whom I understand and understand me and be happy again. And then there's the book tour to take up once more for the Spring leg: Macau and Shenzhen, maybe. It bothers me how this 'too, too solid flesh' of one person does not have enough time for all the things she would like to do. I must work with what life has dealt me. And Life, being the great surprise that it is, has dealt me this: a family which single people my age wish they had, a husband who loves me and to whom I am indebted for the happiness in this life, and a daughter who shall continue what her father and mother have started. Life has probably dealt me one of the best hands I could work with. :) The rest of my wishes, I perceive now, are welcome extras. And my work shall be the means through which I convey my gratitude to the Fates. I never forget the forces that have moulded me.

Dreaming...3 years onward

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 14:16:07 GMT

So much is happening in my life right now, and I'm so happy about the way things are turning out. Every time I look back on how anxious I used to be about my future, or the solicitous new mother I was in Hong Kong, I laugh at all my worries--though valid--and instead of wondering about the future or feeling disheartened at how the world has changed because of the recession, I have decided to let it all go...enough.

People who haven't lived through enough challenges tend to complain about their lot in life. Others who really can't handle their fates take their own lives. But I remember an important piece of advice given to me by a generous professor-friend of mine who has since passed on. Nana Pachot, I call her, has told me: 'My dear, the young these days have no concept of what poverty is. It is not the lack of money; use your brains and roll up your sleeves and you will get money. It is humiliation, degradation, being reduced to a scavenging animal, surrounded by corpses and carcasses on the streets. You and your generation shall never know what poverty really is until you have supped from the sewers out of so much thirst, and yet there is no water left to drink because the wells have all been poisoned.'

She was talking about the Second World War and what is was like to live in such desperate environs--a setting equalled only in contemporary fiction by Margaret Atwood's ORYX AND CRAKE and Paul Auster's IN THE COUNTRY OF LAST THINGS.

And so in the midst of this worldwide recession, I look to the future and the life I may be living in 2012. I shall be 39.

Perhaps I may be studying--AGAIN--and wrapping up my PhD here and here. I may not be working full-time, but I would surely be involved in managing a place like this, because my PhD would depend on it. S would surely be with me, and we would be living meagrely here until B finds his way there in a year or so.

Color Quiz - Feb 22, 2009

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 14:08:14 GMT

Let's see what my disposition is like these days. It turns out I still need to identify with people.

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship w..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Dinner, 14 Feb 09

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 05:48:39 GMT

1. Prossecco 2. Melons with Speck 3. Broccoli & Cheese Soup 4. Entrecote au Poivre with Aligot 5. Panna Cotta with Berries and Cherries 6. Chocolates