Sometime between Feb-Nov 2004, I was in the middle of the most profound grief. At the same time I seem, though I can't quite admit it now, to have been played and then duped by someone I trusted. Eventually all my logical ruminations about why I had to be that person played and duped disappeared when I finally leapt from mere reason and into the realm of faith. I wrote this prayer, and never changed it. I cherish my friendships, but time has given me enough space and distance from events to realise that what had happened was not for naught.
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Dear Lord,
I am a vessel of weakness.
I am a cup with cracks underneath.
I have never carried this much pain in my life.
I have never felt this empty.
I have never felt so broken;
I thought my armour was strong enough.

But all my suffering, my self-inflicted wounds,
And the frustration that comes with fleeting creativity,
All my losses, all my sorrow, all the things I cannot have,
I shall lift up to You,
With all my heart, I shall sing to You.

For you are my refuge and my strength.
You shall help me bear my cross.
This is my cross.

My love –and all I do because and in spite of it - is my cross.

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Now I remember this prayer every time I feel close to that kind of danger...and I know I shall sail through my premonitions and my momentary weakness, because I've carried my share of the weight now. :)